Twitter is like sex. You can read all the stuff (or look at it) about sex all you want, but if you’ve never had it, you simply have no idea what it’s like.
And once you’ve had sex, you know you could never hope to really explain it to someone else. You will sound like a complete idiot if you try. If you’re trying to explain it to your kid, you will sound even worse than an idiot, but that’s another matter entirely.
Twitter is the same way. Saying that you write short missives of less than 140 characters in answer to the question “What are you doing?” except that nobody really answers the question sounds about as awe-inspiring as saying, “Well, when Mommy and Daddy love each other very much, um… well, there’s a penis and a… a… why don’t you go ask your mother?” And even if you manage to describe the mechanics of the act, it doesn’t exactly leave your rapt listener with any notion about what all the shouting’s about.
This is why I say you just have to give Twitter a try for a couple weeks and there’s no way to really explain it.
Sex is not about just getting something from others. You have to give. In fact, giving can be just as good as “getting,” right? Twitter is like that (I’m going to uh… pump this analogy for all it’s worth). If you just show up and say “where’s all my opportunities at?” you might as well just stay off of Twitter. But if you go looking to give to others, you will have plenty of friends and you’ll grow your network.
You know that desperate person at the party who will sleep with just about anybody, but nobody ever wants to take them up on it? They’re on Twitter, too. You will recognize them by their tweets (that’s what you call a post on Twitter, and yes, I know it’s silly). Their tweets will consist of only links to their own blog posts. They are following thousands of people, but nobody is following them (instead of “friends”, Twitter has “followers”). Stay away from the easy, cheap & sleazy.
Stick with quality. How will you know? They’re the people that just about everyone else is following. They’re the ones providing value in one form or another: cool links, humorous tidbits, and lively conversation.
Now, I know that not every social media site is for everyone. Twitter is technically micro-blogging, but the social component is it’s strongest feature. I don’t care for Facebook, for example. There’s something for everyone. I’m not saying you should be on Twitter even if you hate it.
I’m just saying that Twitter is about as explainable as sex is.
For a good time, follow me on Twitter. 
Photo credit: LOVE
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Who was it that said, “If you don’t know what jazz is, you’ll never know?”
Some things just have to be experienced to be understood fully.
I think you’ve done a great job identifying two of them right here, Michael.
Very funny – and very true post. People think I’m crazy for how much I like Twitter and how cranky I get when I don’t get to spend several hours a day catching up with everyone – hmmmmm, I suppose at one point in my life I would have been upset if I wasn’t doing the other as well….
I’m not having sex at the moment. That’s why I’m on Twitter. It’s replacement therapy.
You folks keep twittering. YOU’LL GO BLIND!
:-p
ROFLMAO!
Now that I’ve stopped laughing out loud (AT WORK no less) I wanted to tell you I loved this post.
My hysterics caught the attention of my boss and co-worker, so they’ve read it too and busted out laughing as well. Fortunately I work in an easy-going office and everyone enjoyed the humor. Whew!
Ahh, now I can describe Twitter. Can you help me remember the other?
Thank god I’m alone in my office or people would think I’m nuts giggling at my screen !
Your post is great, so true. I hadn’t thought of it this way, but your analogy is perfect.
As for James and Dave… I nearly spit my tea out ^^
Funny stuff, sir. And right on, to boot.
I’m not on Twitter (too easily distracted) but this quote applies equally well to (ahem) tools like Stumbleupon:
“If you just show up and say ‘where’s all my opportunities at?’ you might as well just stay off of Twitter.”
Great post! When I first checked Twitter out, I just didn’t get it. People I have a lot of respect were doing it so I figured there must be something I just didn’t see. I started following people and once I had followed several good people, I understood. I’ve been too embarrassed to try to explain it to anyone else though.
Awesome analogy Michael. And i can say since my wife (@CoachDeb) has been bit by the Twitter bug that it’s not only “like” sex…. I could swear it increases frequency too.
Oh wait, I think more testing is needed. Will get back to you on that after more “research.”
@JPmicek
@joolilah –
That’s our job!
But will it call the next day?
I’ll stick with sex for now. =)
Glad everyone enjoyed it so much! It was hella fun to write.
I just deleted a comment because it violated my comment policy regarding the name field. If you’re the author of that comment and you’re reading this, feel free to repost and follow the guidelines. Thanks.
@DaveNavarro
no no no silly
they’ll only go blind if they tweet themselves
if they tweet with others – they’ll have a great complexion & a smile on their face
Twitter’s like sex – not as good as Mario Kart Wii online
Boy, you sure hit that nail on the head…
It never lasts long enough.
I’m never exactly certain that I’m doing it exactly right.
I’m always a little unsure if the other people involved are enjoying it as much as I am.
Most people are a little shy and uncertain at first, but warm up quickly.
You tend to do it ALL THE TIME and quite badly when you first get started, but soon start to focus on quality rather than quantity.
You aren’t positive, but you think Robert Scoble does it way too much.
You have just tempted a twitter virgin.
Brian said it was a good thing, but that was just foreplay, “Really you’ll like it. It will make your feeds hum.”
“Mix, mingle, show them your stuff”, he typed persuasively.
“But it sounds like such a time suck. It will cut into my studio time”, she chastely and stubbornly typed back.
Then Martine that clever man, seduces me with one phrase, devil that he is, “Twitter is like Sex”.
Hello Twitter. I just hope you all will respect me in the morning.
Twitter is not like sex. that’s just stupid.
sent from: fav.or.it [FID261970]
That made me laugh out loud early on a Sunday morning!
I have just logged into Twitter and I will see some people in a completely different light on there now!
Take care
Paul
Michael-love your post and the comments are the cherry on the cake!
I’m going to use your name and this post on a webinar tomorrow on Twitter with Debra Simpson of magicinblogging.com. You are warmly invited to join with your comments if you’d like.
@ Myrna – Oh, I’d love to join you, but I’ll be at work during the seminar. If there’s a place to leave comments afterwards, please send me the URL for that and I’d be happy to!
I’m flattered that you’re using my post in your seminar. Hope everyone gets a giggle out of it and learns something.
Haha! Michael, this is the post that finally caught my attention and made me join Twitter!
Been half-heartedly meaning to for a while, but worried about yet another distraction, but I’m so glad i finally did it. I am Twitter Virgin no longer and I love it, thank you!
I have also been meaning to call over and say thank you, having signed up to your RSS feed recently, for all your great advice and helpful tips. Inspired to do it today by Darren’s lovely post … you are much appreciated!
Sorry the day is almost over now, hope you had a good one!
@ Diane – Thanks very much! That just made my day!
And that made me smile!
You’re very welcome, Michael, have an excellent week!
)
Oh my goodness. Loved the post but the comments were hilarious. I don’t think this is going into my “teach your homeschooled kids internet marketing” bookmarks, but thanks for the grins, giggles and guffaws!
Just started tweeting a week or so ago and I’m having a ball and meeting outstanding, annoying and outrageous peeps. It’s great fun!
@Stevie_Knight
Hahaha, interesting analogy to say the least, Michael. I guess just about anything can be interpreted sexually
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